This is extremely hard for me to do, but I need to do it. I don’t want it to come across as selfish because there is now a huge hole in my heart.
On Sunday, there was an incident where Nick was bitten by Buster. Nick is ok but Buster is no more. He is no more because to keep our kids safe he had to go. This was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life so far.
See, I have had Buster since he was around 8 weeks old. In January of 2002 when I was unemployed, Carl told me to go over to the Humane Society in Augusta and look at a puppy he had seen there. Of course I dropped what I was doing and did. The moment I laid my eyes on him he touched my heart. In the visiting room there he was this little helpless brindle puppy that was so beautiful and full of life. He was so young that his teeth had not grown in yet. After about a half an hour with him I went and signed the papers. Because he was a stray he needed to be fixed before I could take him and they said it would be about a week. I stopped by every day after that to see him and bring him a toy.
The day they told me I could take him, I was so excited. I had bought all the puppy things for him while I was waiting like teething rings, toys, food, treats, and a kennel which he later knew as his “room” which was his safe place that he always went into. I picked Buster up at 10AM and put him in the back of the Sportage I was driving at the time. I was driving so slowly because he was so tiny and precious I wanted nothing to happen to him. I think I must have stopped every two miles to check on him to make sure he was ok. Everytime I did, he would look at me with those big brown eyes and wag his tail happily.
When we got to the house, he had had a little accident but I didn’t care because he was so helpless, but that was the start of teaching him what he needed to know. I walked him around the yard and I slowly introduced him to the other dogs. Everywhere I went Buster was with me, like a shadow, like a child. We would go to pet stores and everyone would come up to him and pet him and say how beautiful he is. I would take him down the toy aisle and let him pick up what ever toy he wanted. At home yes, he had his accidents but learned quickly to do his business outside. Once he learned that for the rest of his stay, Carl and I would let him out and he would pee and poop every time, even when we thought there couldn’t be anything left in that dog.
One night after getting used to living with the family he had now, he challenged Roxie and she took his head in her mouth and flung him across the room. She bit though his ear and he was once again a helpless little puppy screaming like I have never heard a dog scream…more like a child. I held him in my arms and brought him to the vet where after it turned out I over reacted and he was fine. From that point forward he had a little patch of white hair where she bit him and every time Roxie barked Buster would cower away.
The adjustment continued and after every meal up until he was over 50 pounds, I would pick him up and burp him after every meal. When he got even bigger, he still wanted me to pick him up and hold him but I couldn’t. Whenever Carl and I would watch TV at night or on the weekends, Buster would jump up on the couch and lay his head on my chest and go to sleep. If we had a fire burning, he would have his head up under the wood stove and pant and pant until we would tell him to go lay in the kitchen and cool down. It almost seemed like we could just talk normal to him and he would hear what we said.
More time went by and he strengthened in me what it means to love and to love unconditionally. There are so many memories I have of him like when he would bounce through the snow like a rabbit, or the first time he saw a lake. That was hilarious! He went running after Roxie and not realizing that he couldn’t walk on the water he sunk for what seemed like a minute, and then came flying to the surface paddling as hard as he could to the shore. One of Buster most favorite thing in the world was playing fetch. He loved it so much that we had to decide when he was finished because he would keep going until he was so tired and panting so hard it worried us. Buster loved going for walks and often times would run with Carl. He loved it so much and thought he had to try his hardest to not stop and when we did stop he wanted to keep going.
When the kids moved in life changed drastically for all three of our dogs. I guess it was jealously that Buster could not get past. We kept him away from the kids and that meant he was in the garage or in the kennel most of the time. The other two have adapted but Buster could not. His quality of life was draining but I still wanted to hold on and atleast know that he had a home, was fed, and still could have fun when we had the chance to play ball. To me, he seemed so happy and would always greet me with those big brown puppy eyes and a wagging tail say come down to me and he would give me those puppy kisses I love so much. Even though he was no longer a puppy, he will always be my baby.
The time came though when I had no choice but to let him go. On Sunday the animal control officer called and I told her she could pick him up. Because it was Sunday and no shelters were opened she said she would be by on Monday to get him. As I looked at him I realized he didn’t know what he did or the consequences of his actions. He still looked at me as if saying what can I do for you daddy Joe. I cried uncontrollably and he still did not understand but just licked the tears from my face. I held him tight I told him repeatedly that I loved him. The night when on as usual, he was outside, Carl brought him in to be fed; he seemed to not know the difference. After the kids and Carl went to sleep I went downstairs and brought him in the bathroom and closed the door. I held him and cried. All he could do was lick my face, ears, neck, and hands. He did not know this was the last time, the last night. After about what seemed like hours, I made sure he got to his “room” to go to sleep. He circled inside his room a couple of times like he always did before he would lie down somewhere and plopped down. He looked at me and inched his way closer licking and as if to say I want to give you more puppy kisses, you know the ones you love so I gave in and then went to bed where I cried myself to sleep.
Monday morning came and I went through the regular routine with the boys, but before I left I held Buster again and said I love you. After I dropped Nick off I headed to work with a lump in my throat holding back tears. It was supposed to be around 2PM that he would be picked up. After the kid’s caseworker had heard about what happened and reassured us that accidents happen but knew we were making the right decision for the safety of the boys, he sent me an email telling me he was very sorry and was praying for us. That did me in and I had to leave. I had to leave because this was the last time and I needed to make it right with Buster before he had to leave.
I went home, driving through tears. I got home and let all three of the dogs out to do their business. I let them back in and brought Buster upstairs. This was the first time since the end of May that he has been upstairs. This was the last time he would be upstairs. I wanted to give him happy memories if possible; I wanted to do whatever it took. I let him jump up on the bed and I laid down beside him and held him. I held him like we used to when he would sleep in the bed at night when he was much smaller. When we first got him he would sleep behind my head in between the pillow and the headboard. I took him into the kitchen and he went to the spot he always did when we were in there, like it had been no time at all. I gave him a couple of pretzels knowing this was the last time he would eat at the table. He did not make a mess, or drool at all like he used to, to the point that we though the faucet was dripping but it was him drooling continuously. He didn’t know this was the last time, so I wanted to make the best of it. I went into the living room and laid down on the floor. He did his normal pawing at my shoulders like he used to and licked my face, then plopped his heavy body and pointy elbows down on my chest and licked my face. I was crying the whole time. I sat up and held him and told him how much I loved him and I prayed, I prayed God would be with him and make what little life he had left safe, and also quick and painless…that on day we would be together again. There is so much controversy over pets and Heaven. Well, in my Heaven my loved ones are there and that includes pets. The Bible wasn’t written on how animals should live it was written about how we should live. It is unrealistic that God doesn’t allow ALL his creation to enjoy his peaceful garden. That is why I know in my heart Buster and I will be together someday.
Once I calmed down a bit, I took off Buster’s nametag from his collar, but it on my key ring and then I headed outside with Buster, knowing that it is only a few short hours away that we would need to depart from each other. I grabbed a leash and he jumped up and down in excitement and let out his cries of excitement. It was funny the noises he made when he saw the leash because he was so excited to go for a walk. We went one way and got a few houses down when I saw one of the neighborhood dogs that was never on a leash so I turned around and went the other way. We walked to the end of the road, Buster not caring where we were going, just that we were going. He didn’t realize this was the last time. I fought back tears and the lump in my throat was growing. I am not much of a runner, but I wanted him to experience it for the last time. The last 100 yards or so I let him run as fast as he wanted to take us. We probably went a good mile on our walk, I was out of breath and he was too but wanted to keep going. I went inside and got the water dish for him. I didn’t want to give him tap water so I dumped a bottle of Poland Spring in the dish and he drank it with his tail wagging in circles, only stopping to look at me and pant. He looked so happy but not knowing like I did that this was the last time. I grabbed the camera and started taking pictures. After a he calmed down a bit I wanted to give him the chance to play ball…for the last time. He was so excited and better than he had ever been. He ran his hardest to get the ball and bring it back to me; he dropped it quickly every time which in the past took some coaxing to get him to drop it. He wanted to go and go and go. I took the camera and took more pictures and a quick video. It was around noon when I decided he needed to stop, to stop for the last time. I let him keep the ball with him because it was the last time. I took more pictures and then my cell phone told me I had voicemail. It never rang so I checked the voicemail and it was the animal control officer saying she was in town. I don’t know why it never rang, I had full power. I sit here wondering if God was saying just a little more time. I called her and she said she was 15-20 minutes away.
My heart dropped, I told her how to get to the house and then I put buster in the kennel to calm down from running so hard to please me. I held him tight, said I loved him and began to shake. I knew this was it, the last time. She arrived around 12:35PM and I signed my rights of buster over to her. I had to get this over with because there was no other alternative. I walked in to the kennel, pet Buster for the last time, held him, kissed him and told him I loved him and we’d be together again someday. I put the muzzle on him and the leash. I walked him to the back of her truck, and picked him up and guided him into the cage. I ran my hand over his head, behind his ears and around to under his chin where I looked him in the eye, and said good bye…for the last time. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. He just stood there with the muzzle on looking at me with those big brown eyes as if saying good bye to me but not understanding why or how or for how long. This is good bye for as long as you live on this earth my little Buster baby. I am sorry…I wished it could be different.
I spent the rest of the day in a zone, only being strong around the kids. The slightest little thing around that house brought a memory back that immediately made me cry uncontrollably and had to leave the room. The animal control officer stopped by to give us Buster’s collar and I am glad Carl took care of that because I couldn’t. I then took Ryan and Roxie down to the lake to go swimming and for a brief time I was smiling and having a good time, but then it would hit me that I can never do this with Buster ever again. All of those shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. I cried myself to sleep last night thinking about Buster and what he was feeling or thinking. Not understanding why he was there, wondering where I was and the rest of his family. He is just an animal that doesn’t understand consequences from his actions. I then wondered how long they would keep him alive, would he be adopted or put to sleep.
I sit here typing this through watery eyes trying to get this lump out of my throat thinking all those things. Thinking about what his future will bring. I could keep going, but I must move forward learning from what he taught me and knowing one day we would be together again. I haven’t been able to even look at his collar yet, but I think I am ready to hold it now. I am setting up a photo album that I cannot look at right now, but I plan to put all the pictures of him there. Here is the link: http://picasaweb.google.com/jturano/Buster
Buster has taught me a lot about life, unconditional love, determination, disappointment, trust, regret, how to have fun, happiness, and so much more. This is why the decision to let go and choose the kids safety over having him was so difficult. I wanted so bad to make it work, but it wasn’t meant to be I guess.
Buster, I love you and always will!!!
On Sunday, there was an incident where Nick was bitten by Buster. Nick is ok but Buster is no more. He is no more because to keep our kids safe he had to go. This was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life so far.
See, I have had Buster since he was around 8 weeks old. In January of 2002 when I was unemployed, Carl told me to go over to the Humane Society in Augusta and look at a puppy he had seen there. Of course I dropped what I was doing and did. The moment I laid my eyes on him he touched my heart. In the visiting room there he was this little helpless brindle puppy that was so beautiful and full of life. He was so young that his teeth had not grown in yet. After about a half an hour with him I went and signed the papers. Because he was a stray he needed to be fixed before I could take him and they said it would be about a week. I stopped by every day after that to see him and bring him a toy.
The day they told me I could take him, I was so excited. I had bought all the puppy things for him while I was waiting like teething rings, toys, food, treats, and a kennel which he later knew as his “room” which was his safe place that he always went into. I picked Buster up at 10AM and put him in the back of the Sportage I was driving at the time. I was driving so slowly because he was so tiny and precious I wanted nothing to happen to him. I think I must have stopped every two miles to check on him to make sure he was ok. Everytime I did, he would look at me with those big brown eyes and wag his tail happily.
When we got to the house, he had had a little accident but I didn’t care because he was so helpless, but that was the start of teaching him what he needed to know. I walked him around the yard and I slowly introduced him to the other dogs. Everywhere I went Buster was with me, like a shadow, like a child. We would go to pet stores and everyone would come up to him and pet him and say how beautiful he is. I would take him down the toy aisle and let him pick up what ever toy he wanted. At home yes, he had his accidents but learned quickly to do his business outside. Once he learned that for the rest of his stay, Carl and I would let him out and he would pee and poop every time, even when we thought there couldn’t be anything left in that dog.
One night after getting used to living with the family he had now, he challenged Roxie and she took his head in her mouth and flung him across the room. She bit though his ear and he was once again a helpless little puppy screaming like I have never heard a dog scream…more like a child. I held him in my arms and brought him to the vet where after it turned out I over reacted and he was fine. From that point forward he had a little patch of white hair where she bit him and every time Roxie barked Buster would cower away.
The adjustment continued and after every meal up until he was over 50 pounds, I would pick him up and burp him after every meal. When he got even bigger, he still wanted me to pick him up and hold him but I couldn’t. Whenever Carl and I would watch TV at night or on the weekends, Buster would jump up on the couch and lay his head on my chest and go to sleep. If we had a fire burning, he would have his head up under the wood stove and pant and pant until we would tell him to go lay in the kitchen and cool down. It almost seemed like we could just talk normal to him and he would hear what we said.
More time went by and he strengthened in me what it means to love and to love unconditionally. There are so many memories I have of him like when he would bounce through the snow like a rabbit, or the first time he saw a lake. That was hilarious! He went running after Roxie and not realizing that he couldn’t walk on the water he sunk for what seemed like a minute, and then came flying to the surface paddling as hard as he could to the shore. One of Buster most favorite thing in the world was playing fetch. He loved it so much that we had to decide when he was finished because he would keep going until he was so tired and panting so hard it worried us. Buster loved going for walks and often times would run with Carl. He loved it so much and thought he had to try his hardest to not stop and when we did stop he wanted to keep going.
When the kids moved in life changed drastically for all three of our dogs. I guess it was jealously that Buster could not get past. We kept him away from the kids and that meant he was in the garage or in the kennel most of the time. The other two have adapted but Buster could not. His quality of life was draining but I still wanted to hold on and atleast know that he had a home, was fed, and still could have fun when we had the chance to play ball. To me, he seemed so happy and would always greet me with those big brown puppy eyes and a wagging tail say come down to me and he would give me those puppy kisses I love so much. Even though he was no longer a puppy, he will always be my baby.
The time came though when I had no choice but to let him go. On Sunday the animal control officer called and I told her she could pick him up. Because it was Sunday and no shelters were opened she said she would be by on Monday to get him. As I looked at him I realized he didn’t know what he did or the consequences of his actions. He still looked at me as if saying what can I do for you daddy Joe. I cried uncontrollably and he still did not understand but just licked the tears from my face. I held him tight I told him repeatedly that I loved him. The night when on as usual, he was outside, Carl brought him in to be fed; he seemed to not know the difference. After the kids and Carl went to sleep I went downstairs and brought him in the bathroom and closed the door. I held him and cried. All he could do was lick my face, ears, neck, and hands. He did not know this was the last time, the last night. After about what seemed like hours, I made sure he got to his “room” to go to sleep. He circled inside his room a couple of times like he always did before he would lie down somewhere and plopped down. He looked at me and inched his way closer licking and as if to say I want to give you more puppy kisses, you know the ones you love so I gave in and then went to bed where I cried myself to sleep.
Monday morning came and I went through the regular routine with the boys, but before I left I held Buster again and said I love you. After I dropped Nick off I headed to work with a lump in my throat holding back tears. It was supposed to be around 2PM that he would be picked up. After the kid’s caseworker had heard about what happened and reassured us that accidents happen but knew we were making the right decision for the safety of the boys, he sent me an email telling me he was very sorry and was praying for us. That did me in and I had to leave. I had to leave because this was the last time and I needed to make it right with Buster before he had to leave.
I went home, driving through tears. I got home and let all three of the dogs out to do their business. I let them back in and brought Buster upstairs. This was the first time since the end of May that he has been upstairs. This was the last time he would be upstairs. I wanted to give him happy memories if possible; I wanted to do whatever it took. I let him jump up on the bed and I laid down beside him and held him. I held him like we used to when he would sleep in the bed at night when he was much smaller. When we first got him he would sleep behind my head in between the pillow and the headboard. I took him into the kitchen and he went to the spot he always did when we were in there, like it had been no time at all. I gave him a couple of pretzels knowing this was the last time he would eat at the table. He did not make a mess, or drool at all like he used to, to the point that we though the faucet was dripping but it was him drooling continuously. He didn’t know this was the last time, so I wanted to make the best of it. I went into the living room and laid down on the floor. He did his normal pawing at my shoulders like he used to and licked my face, then plopped his heavy body and pointy elbows down on my chest and licked my face. I was crying the whole time. I sat up and held him and told him how much I loved him and I prayed, I prayed God would be with him and make what little life he had left safe, and also quick and painless…that on day we would be together again. There is so much controversy over pets and Heaven. Well, in my Heaven my loved ones are there and that includes pets. The Bible wasn’t written on how animals should live it was written about how we should live. It is unrealistic that God doesn’t allow ALL his creation to enjoy his peaceful garden. That is why I know in my heart Buster and I will be together someday.
Once I calmed down a bit, I took off Buster’s nametag from his collar, but it on my key ring and then I headed outside with Buster, knowing that it is only a few short hours away that we would need to depart from each other. I grabbed a leash and he jumped up and down in excitement and let out his cries of excitement. It was funny the noises he made when he saw the leash because he was so excited to go for a walk. We went one way and got a few houses down when I saw one of the neighborhood dogs that was never on a leash so I turned around and went the other way. We walked to the end of the road, Buster not caring where we were going, just that we were going. He didn’t realize this was the last time. I fought back tears and the lump in my throat was growing. I am not much of a runner, but I wanted him to experience it for the last time. The last 100 yards or so I let him run as fast as he wanted to take us. We probably went a good mile on our walk, I was out of breath and he was too but wanted to keep going. I went inside and got the water dish for him. I didn’t want to give him tap water so I dumped a bottle of Poland Spring in the dish and he drank it with his tail wagging in circles, only stopping to look at me and pant. He looked so happy but not knowing like I did that this was the last time. I grabbed the camera and started taking pictures. After a he calmed down a bit I wanted to give him the chance to play ball…for the last time. He was so excited and better than he had ever been. He ran his hardest to get the ball and bring it back to me; he dropped it quickly every time which in the past took some coaxing to get him to drop it. He wanted to go and go and go. I took the camera and took more pictures and a quick video. It was around noon when I decided he needed to stop, to stop for the last time. I let him keep the ball with him because it was the last time. I took more pictures and then my cell phone told me I had voicemail. It never rang so I checked the voicemail and it was the animal control officer saying she was in town. I don’t know why it never rang, I had full power. I sit here wondering if God was saying just a little more time. I called her and she said she was 15-20 minutes away.
My heart dropped, I told her how to get to the house and then I put buster in the kennel to calm down from running so hard to please me. I held him tight, said I loved him and began to shake. I knew this was it, the last time. She arrived around 12:35PM and I signed my rights of buster over to her. I had to get this over with because there was no other alternative. I walked in to the kennel, pet Buster for the last time, held him, kissed him and told him I loved him and we’d be together again someday. I put the muzzle on him and the leash. I walked him to the back of her truck, and picked him up and guided him into the cage. I ran my hand over his head, behind his ears and around to under his chin where I looked him in the eye, and said good bye…for the last time. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. He just stood there with the muzzle on looking at me with those big brown eyes as if saying good bye to me but not understanding why or how or for how long. This is good bye for as long as you live on this earth my little Buster baby. I am sorry…I wished it could be different.
I spent the rest of the day in a zone, only being strong around the kids. The slightest little thing around that house brought a memory back that immediately made me cry uncontrollably and had to leave the room. The animal control officer stopped by to give us Buster’s collar and I am glad Carl took care of that because I couldn’t. I then took Ryan and Roxie down to the lake to go swimming and for a brief time I was smiling and having a good time, but then it would hit me that I can never do this with Buster ever again. All of those shoulda, woulda, coulda’s. I cried myself to sleep last night thinking about Buster and what he was feeling or thinking. Not understanding why he was there, wondering where I was and the rest of his family. He is just an animal that doesn’t understand consequences from his actions. I then wondered how long they would keep him alive, would he be adopted or put to sleep.
I sit here typing this through watery eyes trying to get this lump out of my throat thinking all those things. Thinking about what his future will bring. I could keep going, but I must move forward learning from what he taught me and knowing one day we would be together again. I haven’t been able to even look at his collar yet, but I think I am ready to hold it now. I am setting up a photo album that I cannot look at right now, but I plan to put all the pictures of him there. Here is the link: http://picasaweb.google.com/jturano/Buster
Buster has taught me a lot about life, unconditional love, determination, disappointment, trust, regret, how to have fun, happiness, and so much more. This is why the decision to let go and choose the kids safety over having him was so difficult. I wanted so bad to make it work, but it wasn’t meant to be I guess.
Buster, I love you and always will!!!
